You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
It was a blind-side dick pic.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Randomize
