Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
oh god the rape fog is back!
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
I smell like Dick and happiness
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
