Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
