Are we in a gay sports bar?
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
His hands were made for my vagina.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
