he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
