bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
Randomize
