A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
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