dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
there is glitter all over my balls
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
