I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Randomize
