This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
