I can text with my tongue
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
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