I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
