Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Randomize
