fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Randomize
