I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
