the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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