I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
A+ Viking dick
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
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