We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Randomize
