meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
