Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
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