i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize