Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
