a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
