Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
