I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
