I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
