I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize
