Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Randomize
