dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I met the friendliest cop last night
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize