Apparently you make a good broom.
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
