some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
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