He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
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