I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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