Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize