She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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