Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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