Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
