now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize