I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
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