Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
