she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Randomize
