Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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