Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
