Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Randomize
