The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
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