she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
My ATM looks so different sober.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
Randomize
