It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Randomize
