i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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