i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
