good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
lol hangovers are for mortals.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
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