she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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