It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
