so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
