Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
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