My cat gives me a boner
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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