You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize