I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
dude this 15 year old girl saw our youtube vid and just facebook messaged me saying i was verry verry pretty. i have no schemas for how to respond to this situation.
woah 15?
i know! what is this dateline?
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Randomize
